I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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