so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
