I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
