I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Randomize
