Swine flu. Run for my life!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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