Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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