I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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