I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
