At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
