Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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