get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
It's not a walk of shame if you run
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
