First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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