I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just took my morning after pill in the library
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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