i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Randomize
