my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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