I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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