the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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