i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
