The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
