I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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