onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
