I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
