Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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