dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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