uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
