I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
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