Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
