I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
