I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
