If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
