wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I checked into jail on foursquare
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
