Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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