Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
