one two three fourrrrnication!
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
