Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
