im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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