Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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