Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
