WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
