Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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