your parents love me but you hate me
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize