His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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