Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Randomize
