I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My Sexting was not on an AP level
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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