So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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