If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
foreskin is a definite game changer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
