Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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