I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Randomize