WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
