My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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