my phone needs a breathalizer
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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