The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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