If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
