I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
