and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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