What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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