I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
