im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
