apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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