Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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