3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
