Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
