he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
