to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
