people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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