mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
