She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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