My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
